Women drivers out to kill me - Episode 2

Here is the next episode on women drivers trying to kill me. Episode 1 can be read here.

Episode 2 - Crooked back up Lady

This episode is not so much about a woman driver trying to kill me so much as a woman driver trying to kill my poor truck. One day when I was still in school I had to mail a package, so I drove up to the post office. All the parking spaces were full, except one that was next to someone who had parked their van very crooked and over the line. Having nowhere else to park, I pulled my truck in. I was in the post office paying for my postage when somebody ran in and said "whoever owns this red truck better get out here" Being the owner of the red truck I ran out to see what the commotion was. Low and behold the lady driving the crooked parked van had just backed straight out, never looking to see if she might hit my truck. Since she had parked at an angle, when she backed straight out she backed right into the side of my truck!

Everyone knows Fords are built tough, they like to say it in all their truck ads and I can honestly say they are not lying. Even though the lady backed into my truck, figuring that if she could not get me, she might as well get my truck, there was no damage at all to my truck's side Unfortunately her van was not built "Ford tough" and she dented her driver side bumper as well as breaking her driver side tail light. At least she did not damage my truck, but then they are:

Woman drivers are out to kill me!

If anyone has actually read my profile, which I doubt, they will see that I said woman drivers are out to kill me. This is not an exaggeration, this is a honest, kid you not, fact! One that is a bit baffling to me since I think I am a nice enough guy. I can't think of a reason why women in cars want to see me in a body bag so badly....I am sure women will read this and think to themselves, under what authority does this William character say women drivers are out to kill him?? In answer to that dear readers, I will present the evidence in this and future posts:

Episode 1, The fail to check her side mirror woman.

It is a bright cheery day, the weather is a nice balmy 75 or so. I am driving my F-150, windows down as usual, singing along with my music that is filling my ears with a wonderful melody. I slowly cruise down the road about to turn and merge on the interstate. To steal a few lines from the Newsboys, "Wherever I go, the bluebirds sing, the grass gets green, the bees behave and in the treetops, squirrels smile and wave" everything is right with the world.

I get on the interstate, merge to the far left hand lane and start zipping along around 80mph...Five minute later I get off the interstate. At the bottom of the exit ramp is a red light and as I head towards said light I get in the second turning lane because there is no one in it. Let me stop here and say the exit ramp is two lanes, both of which turn right onto four southbound lanes of a eight lane boulevard. Since the offramp is 2 lanes and you are turning onto 4, it is logical to assume the first exit turning lane takes the first 2 lanes and the second exit turning lane takes the last 2 lanes. Makes sense? Here is a picture:


Anyway as I near the light in the second turning lane, the light turns green and I accelerate down the rest of the ramp and into my turn right. I successfully arrive in my lane (lane # 3 in the picture) and out of the corner of my eye I notice a minivan in my right hand side mirror turning onto the boulevard as well. The mini-van is turning from the first turning lane, meaning it needs to turn into lanes # 1 and 2 in the picture. Guess what the lady in the mini-van wants to do? She wants to get to lane #4 the farthest away from where she is turning. The only way to get there is of course go across lanes 1,2,3 and right in her path is me and my truck.

So mini-van lady starts drifting across the lanes heading right for my passenger side door. I watch her come thinking she will slow down, but she just keeps on coming. When she is about 5 feet away I realize that she has no intention of slowing down and intends to just magically drift through my car. It was at this moment that the horn god decided to erupt with the noise of a thousand trumpets. Mini-van lady was awakened from her intent to kill me and decided she might be getting too close. So what does she do? She jerks the mini-van back and almost crashes into someone else!!! Fortunately no one was hurt! Such is my life avoiding women drivers out to kill me.